


Havoc Receives Relationship Advice From People He's Not Entirely Sure Are Real

by ehmazing



Category: Baccano!, Fullmetal Alchemist
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-03
Updated: 2011-02-03
Packaged: 2017-10-15 08:42:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/159083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ehmazing/pseuds/ehmazing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fullmetal Alchemist/Baccano! crossover. You meet all sorts of interesting people outside bars late at night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Havoc Receives Relationship Advice From People He's Not Entirely Sure Are Real

“Why so glum, my good fellow?”

Havoc lifted his head from his knees and squinted in the harsh glare of the street light. In front of him stood a tall man with a blonde girl on his arm; they were dressed like Cretan folk dancers. He opened his mouth to answer, then quickly shut it.

“Isaac?”

“Yes, Miria, my dear?”

“He looks very green, doesn’t he?”

Havoc swallowed hard. “Urgh. Sorry. What were you saying?”

Immediately, the man was sitting on his left and the girl on his right.

“I was remarking that you looked rather down-and-out!” the man said.

“Very down-and-out,” the girl nodded.

“Yeah, I’m not in good spirits, you could say,” Havoc groaned. “Though I’m pretty sure I’ve had one too many spirits.”

“Oh dear!” the woman chirped. Both slipped an arm around his shoulders.

“Now, my friend, you shouldn’t try to drown your sorrows! Instead, why don’t you let us ease them for you? We happen to be excellent listeners!” the man said, slapping Havoc on the back.

“We’re terrific listeners!” the woman agreed, following her partner’s example, though her slap was a bit harder and Havoc fought down the urge to vomit again.

“Well, lessee…” It was hard to pick a point where his problems began. His parents had insisted on visiting and would arrive next weekend, his rent was due Friday, and the Colonel had been working him like an ox on the case of those two robbers. It was the most confusing and most complicated project he had worked on all year; the pair seemed to have no preference as to what they took and had no patterns to their thefts. The only known photo depicted a very blurry couple in a sailor suit and a mermaid costume. But Havoc decided to skip all that.

“My girlfriend just dumped me,” he sighed.

The two gasped with horror.

“How dreadfully awful!” the man cried.

“How awfully dreadful!” the woman wailed.

“Yeah,” Havoc agreed. “And that’s the third one this month.”

The man and woman leaned behind him.

“Miria! I think this chap must be… _unlucky in love!”_

“Oh Isaac! That poor man! We have to help him!”

“Right, of course! We’ll set him back on his feet!” They turned back to him.

“Now then, why don’t you tell us why you lost your lady loves? Perhaps we can be of assistance in pinpointing why it is that you’ve had so many get away!”

Havoc scratched his head. “Well, I don’t really know. Women just seem like they don’t want to stick around with me. My longest relationship ever lasted three months.”

“Three months?!” both exclaimed at once.

“Yeah, pathetic, right?”

“Not at all!” The man and woman joined hands across Havoc’s lap. “My fine man, not everyone is as lucky as I am to have found my darling Miria!”

“And not everyone is as lucky as I am to have found my dearest Isaac!” Their eyes seemed to twinkle as they looked at each other. Havoc cleared his throat.

“What we mean is that you haven’t found your soulmate yet!” The man and woman hauled him to his feet. “Don’t worry about these small set-backs, for someday, you shall meet your true love!”

“You really think so?” Havoc frowned. “But, how will I know which girl’s the right one?”

“I…well…” the man paused. “How will he know which girl’s the right one, Miria?”

“Maybe he’ll hear music in his heart when she looks him! Or perhaps he’ll see stars when she calls his name!”

“Yes! Music, stars, exactly! That’s how you’ll know! In fact, that is exactly how I feel when I’m with you, my sweet!”

“Oh, Isaac!” Havoc fumbled for his pack of cigarettes while they got all misty-eyed again.

“Uh, alright then. I’ll keep that in mind.” He lit a cigarette and took a deep drag, hoping the smoke would ease his restless stomach.

When Havoc looked up, the couple was staring at him with the most peculiar looks.

“Oh, sorry. I take it you don’t smoke?”

Suddenly, the man broke into a manic grin, and snatched the pack out of his hands.

“My friend, I know the root of your romance problems! But don’t worry, Miria and I will make sure that by tomorrow morning, your chances with the ladies will be better than ever!” And with that, he took the blonde’s hand and they dashed away, leaving Havoc alone on the street corner.

He look at his empty hand, where he could’ve sworn he’d had a pack of cigarettes a moment ago.

“I must be more drunk than I thought,” he said to himself, and began the walk home.

—

The Colonel smirked as he signed Havoc’s overtime sheet.

“Taken a new interest in the robberies, eh, Lieutenant?”

Havoc slapped the newspaper down on his desk.

“Eighteen stores sell tobacco in the county,” he growled. “All of them were cleaned out. This time, _it’s personal.”_


End file.
